Pre-wedding nerves? The ideal solution

The eve of a wedding, as many of my 'regulars' will know, is a time for much last minute nerve-jangling and trying-to-hold-it-togethering. Not for me and Dee, though. Today, we are both invited to, through work,

"I would like to invite you to the next Multi-Agency Hate Crime Sub-Group. This is to highlight the good practice and initatiatives that we are progressing. As this is a partnership it would be appropriate for you both to attend."

Partnerships are one thing. I mean we're getting married fer crissakes. But not sure if a hate crimes partnership, even one chaired by Neil from the Young Ones, is quite how I want to be spending my last hours of bachelordom.

New career

I just phoned up the gifts department at John Lewis in Sheffield about our wedding list. The casual, none-more Sheffield bloke at the other end told me just to "come into the store and do the biz, young man." Five minutes later, my mobile rings - here's the conversation.
JLB: "Is that Danielle?"
L: "No, it's Laurie."
JLB. "Alright Loz (a bit informal, but let it ride). It's about your wedding list. Do you want to come in the store?"
L: "I just spoke to you and sorted it out."
JLB: "Oh yeah, so you did. At least you're on the ball - unlike me."
L: "Why, are you getting married too?"
JLB: "Nah, no chance. I've been divorced twice - I'd rather hang myself."
L: "Do you think you should be working in a wedding gifts department.
JLB: "Spose not, I guess I should work on me sales pitch. Thanks."

Happy happy joy joy

Reading Mark Oliver Everett's Things The Grandchildren Should Know. A macabre recollection of the Eels frontman's life, the plot arc goes something like - meet person, person does lovely thing involves cats or jokes or bizarre dress, person dies, E writes song, meets people, people die in freak lawnmower/ski/cat/binocular accident. Wonderful, feel-good stuff, obviously. The maudlin never scanned so good.

Big-handed dwarf or kneeling weirdo?

Monarco Musing

Could you get more quintessentially English seaside resort? Although full marks to Monarco, this billboard could almost carry itself off as northern soul poster. But check the price of that Pensioners' Special!!

Father Abram

Went to the delightful Cleethorpes to interview jazz dude Abram Wilson this week. This cat has played with Dr John and Soweto Kinch, but I challenge the most diligent shorthand perfectionist to try and keep up with his 180mph New Orleans scat. And what is the shortform for "skiddly-nee-ba-be-bop"? A mess, is what.

Kel Surprise (to be delivered in French accent)

So Kelvin McKenzie is hotly tipped to join the by-election caused by David Davis' Magna Carta (personally I thought they did a decent curry) protests. I like Kelvin - expecially his TV work bringing such inspirational characters as Newsey Bunny to the information gathering super highway (admittedly more of a B-road back in them Cable days). But, interviewed by Peter Levy for BBC's Look North this lunchtime he urged: "the people of Hull to get out and vote in Haltemprice and Howden". Which of course they can't, seeing as they have three MPs of their own and Howden is actually 30 miles away.

Secondly, supermac said he didn't know where Howden actually was and had never been there. Why Kelvin, it's only the headquarters of the Press Association, surely one of your biggest sources of news during your days as a darling at Wapping Wharf?